My conversations with HER - Part 9 - Written on 11th November 2011:
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu
(cont) The happenings in June 2011:
By the end of this month, things were "unstable" within me.....Maybe because of all the happenings - me being unable to get the Devipuram Meru, me being a total fool and failing to recognize the form of Srividya initiation from the Meppad temple, made me very very upset....You see, at that point, spiritually speaking, I wasn't evolved enough to put the "blame" on HER or IT.......Why did I not email Arjunaacharya and re-ask him for initiation into Srividya??......I did think about it but then I thought "Maybe, he will be upset with me for refusing it in the first place.".......So, I just let-it-be and I wondered "Is this the closest I'll ever come to Srividya??"...
I was angry with HER for everything....I had thought
{As I hesitate to type my "then-thoughts":
SHE: Type them exactly as it came...
Me: But Lalithamba, I scolded YOU so badly.....
SHE: Could you have done it, if I didn't want you to??....Those thoughts have already come...You are now, only writing about it....Go on, type them all.... }
I had thought " Who are YOU Lalithamba and why did YOU have to go & sit right in the "Bindu of Srichakra" and make YOURSELF so inaccessible to people??......What gave YOU the right to play with my life??....Why did YOU come into my life if YOU didn't want me to find YOU??.....Are YOU testing me??.....Are you asking me to choose between YOU and my husband?? "
I was then reminded of a conversation between my mother-in-law and me in the year 2007.....My mother-in-law had said "It is us women who get caught up with samsara and think "This is my husband, this is my family"...For men, it is easier for them to forsake the family and go in search of truth".......I had then thought "Not me, I will not be one of those women who think that way....If I had to choose, I will give up my family to go in-search of the Higher Truth.."
It almost seemed as if SHE was testing me......Reminding me of that conversation and asking me to choose....
No amount of "discussions" at home seemed to help.....My husband had said "Why are you so stubborn??...Why can't you be flexible??....Until now it was rudhrakshas that had your attention and now this??.....Tomorrow you will find another thing....Why are you so selfish??".....Well, he was right....Until now it was rudhrakshas.....I so very badly wanted the Indrakshi mala.....Why??...Because I had so many 'unfulfilled desires' and didn't I read that an Indrakshi mala would make a person be "Ichadhari".......I couldn't very well explain it but I just 'felt-the-burning-desire' and it was after wearing those higher mukhi rudhraksha beads after Shivarathri 2011, that this 'burning-desire' subsided a lot.....After wearing these higher mukhi beads, I was able to say "It is now ok even if I don't get the Indrakshi mala.."
And now this "latest madness", mad after HER.....I had asked HER "Am I selfish Lalithamba??....Am I?.....If the very reason for me to be selfish is to know this "SELF", then doesn't this SELFish nature become DIVINE 'ish??.......Why are YOU not helping me??....How could YOU be so cruel and heartless??....Is it fair at all??.....Why did YOU come into my life??...Why give me all these desires if YOU don't want me to find YOU?? "
I then remembered aacharya's signature line on his gmail.....What was it that he had written??
"What you have is destiny and what you do with what you have is effort.....Future destiny is past destiny modified by your present action...You are not only the prisoner of your past but master of your future"
I copied it, printed it & stuck it on my refrigerator at home so that I would always remember it.....I must have read it atleast a thousand times, especially the underlined words and thought "What am I going to do NOW that will change my future??? "....There was only one thing that came to mind......So, again started the "discussions" at home....
(cont) The happenings in June 2011:
By the end of this month, things were "unstable" within me.....Maybe because of all the happenings - me being unable to get the Devipuram Meru, me being a total fool and failing to recognize the form of Srividya initiation from the Meppad temple, made me very very upset....You see, at that point, spiritually speaking, I wasn't evolved enough to put the "blame" on HER or IT.......Why did I not email Arjunaacharya and re-ask him for initiation into Srividya??......I did think about it but then I thought "Maybe, he will be upset with me for refusing it in the first place.".......So, I just let-it-be and I wondered "Is this the closest I'll ever come to Srividya??"...
I was angry with HER for everything....I had thought
{As I hesitate to type my "then-thoughts":
SHE: Type them exactly as it came...
Me: But Lalithamba, I scolded YOU so badly.....
SHE: Could you have done it, if I didn't want you to??....Those thoughts have already come...You are now, only writing about it....Go on, type them all.... }
I had thought " Who are YOU Lalithamba and why did YOU have to go & sit right in the "Bindu of Srichakra" and make YOURSELF so inaccessible to people??......What gave YOU the right to play with my life??....Why did YOU come into my life if YOU didn't want me to find YOU??.....Are YOU testing me??.....Are you asking me to choose between YOU and my husband?? "
I was then reminded of a conversation between my mother-in-law and me in the year 2007.....My mother-in-law had said "It is us women who get caught up with samsara and think "This is my husband, this is my family"...For men, it is easier for them to forsake the family and go in search of truth".......I had then thought "Not me, I will not be one of those women who think that way....If I had to choose, I will give up my family to go in-search of the Higher Truth.."
It almost seemed as if SHE was testing me......Reminding me of that conversation and asking me to choose....
No amount of "discussions" at home seemed to help.....My husband had said "Why are you so stubborn??...Why can't you be flexible??....Until now it was rudhrakshas that had your attention and now this??.....Tomorrow you will find another thing....Why are you so selfish??".....Well, he was right....Until now it was rudhrakshas.....I so very badly wanted the Indrakshi mala.....Why??...Because I had so many 'unfulfilled desires' and didn't I read that an Indrakshi mala would make a person be "Ichadhari".......I couldn't very well explain it but I just 'felt-the-burning-desire' and it was after wearing those higher mukhi rudhraksha beads after Shivarathri 2011, that this 'burning-desire' subsided a lot.....After wearing these higher mukhi beads, I was able to say "It is now ok even if I don't get the Indrakshi mala.."
And now this "latest madness", mad after HER.....I had asked HER "Am I selfish Lalithamba??....Am I?.....If the very reason for me to be selfish is to know this "SELF", then doesn't this SELFish nature become DIVINE 'ish??.......Why are YOU not helping me??....How could YOU be so cruel and heartless??....Is it fair at all??.....Why did YOU come into my life??...Why give me all these desires if YOU don't want me to find YOU?? "
I then remembered aacharya's signature line on his gmail.....What was it that he had written??
"What you have is destiny and what you do with what you have is effort.....Future destiny is past destiny modified by your present action...You are not only the prisoner of your past but master of your future"
I copied it, printed it & stuck it on my refrigerator at home so that I would always remember it.....I must have read it atleast a thousand times, especially the underlined words and thought "What am I going to do NOW that will change my future??? "....There was only one thing that came to mind......So, again started the "discussions" at home....
My husband: Again??..We are having the same talk again??...Ok, let me ask you this....Weren't you the one who said that there is no such thing as 'your' money and 'my' money as it's a single account?
Me: Yes
My husband: Irrespective of you saying that, didn't you say "I want "X" dollars a month 'pocket-money' to spend on your so-called "spiritual activities" online even though you know that I don't believe in "online prayers" ?
Me: Yes
My husband: Haven't you been doing your so-called pujas online in the different websites that you found??
Me: Yes {On Dr. Pillai's website and Astroved}
My husband: And when I bought "X" electronic item didn't you say that I was wasting money on un-necessary things?
Me: Yes
My husband: And if I was wasting money on "an item" that you could see before your eyes, why is it wrong when I say the same thing back to you?
Me: Silence {I didn't know how to explain it then}
My husband: Didn't "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H" happen according to the way you wanted it?
Me: Yes
My husband: Name a few things that happened the way I wanted it, without you changing it one bit.
Me: {After thinking really hard} "X,Y & Z"
My husband: It took you a while to think about the things that have happened my way, and all you could come up was 3 items.....Didn't I give you a 'list' of things that have happened the way you wanted it?.....Are the scales even balanced??…Is this fair?.....
Me: {Thinking: Didn't I ask HER the same question....If it was fair of HER }.....Even though I agree that all that you have said is correct, I still want what I want.....
A few more "discussions" later
My husband: Since there is no end to these "discussions", the only solution is, for you to do what you want with your salary and me to do what I want with mine....You do have a big ego and the sooner you realize it, the better it'll be for all of us....And if you do choose to do what you want with your salary, you will have to do it outside this house.
You see, at that time, I really couldn't explain it....I felt as if SHE was testing me to see how far I would go......I felt SHE was testing me to see who I would choose....That conversation between my mother-in-law and me was "being re-played" within my mind.....At that time, spiritually speaking, I was ready to do anything for 'moksha'....So, mentally I was ready to leave-the-house
So, I emailed Arjunaacharya all the necessary information and requested the "Varahi Kola mukhi puja, Sri Durga Nitya puja and Mahalakshmi Kamalatmika puja" and also sent him the payment.
I told HER "I've done my part....I have chosen YOU...Let me see what YOU do now....The ball is in your court Lalithamba....Are YOU going to make me face the consequences of my actions or are YOU going to assume responsibility for it??....All those websites and forums that said "Just tell HER that it is HER problem and see what will happen"......Well Lalithamba, it is YOUR problem now."
At home, my husband was surprised with what I had done...He said "Irrespective of you agreeing that it was not fair, if you still chose to do it, it could only mean that you are only concerned about yourself."........Well that was true, I was only concerned about mySELF...
Who do I ask to see if I had a big ego?? Surely I wouldn't know it...I had absolutely no patience to repeat this 'Ramayana-like-proportion' story to ask who was correct?....How do I know if it's the ego in me which is thinking that "I will do just fine if I leave the house" or "If I have to apologize to my husband & face the consequences".....There was only one place that I could think of......So Prasna services it was and I asked them and the response was that I don't leave the house.
It only made me angrier.....I told HER "Just who do YOU think YOU are??....Irrespective of me choosing YOU, why do YOU want me to stay back??....Why are YOU playing with my life??.."
'Something' told me that Sage Narada was witnessing these events and saying "Narayana, Narayana"......I said " YOU Narada, is it YOU who is doing this to me??....How many times have YOU interfered in other people's life to cause misunderstandings.....What makes YOU think that YOU could do as YOU please and pass the 'blame' to Narayana by chanting HIS name??....YOU know what??... If YOU can do as YOU please and say "Narayana, Narayana", then I too can scold you left- right-and-center and pass the 'blame' onto BRAHMAN by saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"
Now, YOU Narayana, how could YOU, who so clearly saved YOUR devotee Prahalada, be so partial to his grandson MahaBali and push him into the underworld.....Was that fair??....Don't even answer that question......YOU have YOUR own so-called reason for everything.
And now YOU LALITHA, why did YOU have to go & sit in the bindu of a Srichakra and make it hard for people to find YOU...How much longer are YOU going to test me??...Aren't these emotions good enough for YOU?....Are these tears not real enough for YOU??....YOU and YOUR daughter BALA {Bala tripura Sundari}, what makes YOU think the two of YOU can do as YOU please and noone will question YOU?...YOU know what, if in YOUR world, if YOU O Lalithamba are 16 years old and YOU have a 9 year old daughter BALA, then in my world, on this earth plane, I am 33 years old and that means that I'm old enough to be YOUR mother Lalithamba.....So stop fooling around and behave YOURSELF....Be the daughter YOU expect of BALA....What does it take to get YOUR attention??....I have tried asking YOU nicely.....No, I have asked YOU nicely, but apparently that doesn't work....Let me see if I can make YOU angry enough for YOU to respond to me.....Didn't I read somewhere that "The Goddess loves fun"....YOU know what Lalithamba, it's not funny anymore....Not when YOU play with my life like this.....I don't like YOUR sense of humor....It is not funny anymore.....Go on, open YOUR eyes and look at me......LOOK-AT-ME
{As I hesitate to type further:
SHE: Type the exact words you used.
Me: YOU mean the exact words that YOU made me use
SHE: Is there a difference now, at this stage, when I = YOU }
Go on, open YOUR eyes and look at me......LOOK-AT-ME DAMN IT
An inner voice, which at that time I thought was fear trying to creep back in: Did you just scold HER?....Lalitha Tripura Sundari??...HER, whose ugra avatar (fierce form) even the Trimurties are afraid of??
Me: (Still angry)...Yes....Yes I did....So what if it is LALITHA HERSELF.....So what??.....I don't care anymore....What is SHE going to do?? Open HER 3rd eye and burn me to ashes??....Curse me to eternal damnation??......What is my present life if not eternally damned anyways??....Can life get anymore damned when SHE is not in my life.....When Sri Lakshmi who is a part of HER can bestow blessings on HER devotees by merely HER side-way glances, then what amount of blessings must pour in when LALITHA HERSELF looks at me, even though SHE may look at me and burn me up.....I don't care anymore Lalithamba.....I'm not afraid to die.
An inner voice, which at that time I thought was fear trying to creep back in: What about your husband and son?
Me: Why should I worry about it??....It's HER problem.....If SHE has decided to burn me up, SHE should be the one worrying about what will happen to my husband and son....I''ve already given-up my husband anyway.
Silence
Me: (Still angry): Go on, open YOUR eyes and LOOK-AT-ME.....YOU are the one who preached Advaita through Adi Shankaracharya isn't it?....YOU are the one who said it is all YOU.....And I'm the idiot who doesn't yet "get-it"........I'm the fool here who is yet to practically experience it....That means, according to YOU, YOU are only scolding YOURSELF.
The only way for me to explain what happened next is, imagine that you have a 100kg weight on your head and imagine that suddenly that weight has been lifted....Whatever is that feeling, was what I felt then
Me: So, if SHE said that it is all HER, if SHE said that SHE = Me and I just said that SHE was scolding HERSELF, then does it mean that I'm just scolding myself now ??...If A = B and B = C then A = C right???
The insight was so profound, deep and confusing that it shut me up, for a while atleast.....
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu.