Saturday, February 4, 2012

My conversations with HER - Part 8

My conversations with HER - Part 8  – Written on 10th November 2011


Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu,


Until I wrote the last email, I had forgotten that I had asked HER for 'selective amnesia' and before I could even ask HER about it.....

SHE: You were the one who asked for it.....I didn't do anything.

Me: Very clever of you O Lalithamba.....Could I have done it if YOU didn't want me to???.......Now I know why I put BRAHMAN "in-charge" of my life...

SHE: Could you have done that, if I didn't want you to??

Me: {Thinking} And men wonder what goes on in the minds of women??....Just non-stop nonsense.....

SHE: Did you just call our conversations "non-stop nonsense"??

Me: Very clever of YOU O Lalithamba.....I did no such thing...It was all YOUR doing....I'm just a silent witness to these happenings....

And before I could ask HER why I need to write down my experiences:


SHE: Remember those questions??

Flashback on - Those questions:
I had wondered how the lives of enlightened people would have been BEFORE they were enlightened.....I had wondered "Why doesn't anybody write about it???.....Most of the books that I've read are either written by other people or talks about how things were AFTER someone got enlightened....Why doesn't anyone give behind-the-scene-actions??.....And I had told GOD "YOU could learn a thing or two from the 21st century.....Don't YOU know that some movie directors also show behind-the-scene-actions of how the movie was made??.....The only book that I have read, that talks about such a thing is "Autobiography of an Yogi" and what an excellent book that was....."

Now, how was I to know that, I would be the 'guinea pig" for this behind-the-scene-action movie???......Very very clever of YOU O Lalithamba...


Guruji, It's kind-of-hard for me to re-think those ignorant thoughts when I now know the answers and I am now practically experiencing what you mentioned during one of the online classes...

Guruji: How could Kali and Sundari exist at the same time? Mind you, I said at the same time....


How could Light and Ignorance exist at the same time??....But I'm told that I must write down my experiences and for that reason, I go back to re-think those thoughts....


(cont) The Happenings until June 2011:

It was frustrating that I had come this close to a Meru and was not able to buy it....I had thought "Will I ever be able to keep a Srichakra at home??"...I didn't know whom to ask for confirmation and wondered "How nice it would be if I could ask my atma/soul for guidance and it would reply back....I have absolutely no patience to go & explain all these happenings to someone, before I could ask him/her for guidance".....As I sat thinking, I was suddenly reminded about Dr. Pillai's other website -- Astroved....I remembered reading that Astroved also offers Prasna services and I thought "Isn't that what they do in the temples at Kerala whenever they want to ask GOD for something regarding the temple services?"......Yes....I grew up hearing about it, so I thought I would check-out the "Prasna services" and I wrote to them and asked:

My question: I have a strong desire to get a spiritual item. Can I & will I get it?

Prasna answer: Yes. You will get that spiritual item. Pray to the Goddess Durga for blessings.


And I thought "How did they know that it was GODDESS related?? And why did they mention Durga's name??".....Anyway, I took it as confirmation that one day, I'll have it.....I thought "I should have also asked WHEN I'll get it but anyway, as long as I get it, it's good enough for me"

{As I type this :

SHE: Now do you realize why Durga's name was mentioned??

Me: Yes....It was to mean the "Sri Durga Shoolini puja" that was to be done at the Meppad temple on Gurupoornima day in July.....I had forgotten this prasna answer until after this puja was done and thought "Didn't the prasna answer ask me to pray to Durga??"}

  
I checked my laptop and it was on 25th March 2011 that I 'saved the link' to this website ----the very same website that I happened to re-read sometime during mid-june which led me to the Meppad Temple/Sampradaya and I thought I would check their website...

While reading the poojas offered at the Meppad temple, something caught my attention – “Sri Durga Nitya puja (for removing your accumulated Karma, which is causing misery )”….I thought “THAT is what I need.…A pooja to remove all the karma that is causing my misery”……This led me to email the temple aacharya {Arjunaacharya} & there was a prompt response also recommending ‘Kola Muki Varahi pooja’ to remove accumulated karmas and also methods to get an online or offline initiation into SriVidya……I had no clue what those things were…..So, in my ignorance, I sent an email to Arjunaacharya telling him that I was not sure if I wanted an online initiation and requested for the poojas alone, hoping that the poojas will help remove the karmas that were blocking true realization and sent him my family member's details….No sooner did I send the email, that it struck me, “Didn’t I read somewhere that ‘You don’t find Srividya, it finds you’...OH MY GOD……What have I done???....Did Srividya just find me and did I just refuse it??…..What a fool I’ve been!!

I can’t even begin to explain the guilt I felt….Did I just turn down HER vidya ?…..Did I just turn down a chance to know LALITHA DEVI?.....What did I just do?... Why did I do it??.....And I tried to mentally rewind the past happenings, to figure out why I behaved the way I did……And then I found my reason…..

We are building an apartment in India and for the last few weeks, there was a serious discussion at home between my husband & I about the griharpravesam function [house-warming ceremony]……According to my husband’s tradition [Telugu tradition], there were no dates available during the timeperiod when we would be in India, for my brother-in-law’s wedding. According to my parent’s tradition [Tamil tradition], when they checked with the astrologer, there was a date available during the timeframe that we would be in India…….And there was a serious discussion on what date to choose…My parents said that since I was now a part of the Telugu tradition, I should follow their custom and my husband was unable to change the travel dates to accommodate the griharpravesam function and was hesitant to consider the ‘Tamil version date’ because, well it was a date according to Tamil tradition……

I thought to myself, ”If afterall, for a simple function, there is such a confusion between Tamil vs Telugu tradition, I can’t even think how it will be if my Guru happens to not be a Telugu person”..…So, I told HER “Please let Guru Amritananda be my Guru…..Atleast he is Telugu and if there happens to be any questions, he can answer to my husband & in-laws…..And my parents won’t question me, because didn’t they say that I was now part of the Telugu tradition?”……{Sorry Guruji, see HER thoughts....see how SHE made me think....It was all HER doing..}

And sooooo deep was my fear, that unconscious to me, I refused the offer from the Meppad temple….Why???....Because it was not Guru Amritananda – a Telugu Guru……. I didn’t want to bring Kerala also into the picture, between the tug-of-war going on between AndraPradesh  vs Tamilnadu tradition…..

I told HER “Sorry LALITHA DEVI for turning down YOUR vidya….If everything happens according to YOUR WILL, then YOU understand my circumstances too…..Can’t YOU see my situation?? Can’t YOU see what will happen and all the probable questions that will be raised?? Atleast if it’s a Telugu Guru, some part of the questions can be avoided….My parents may take it as ‘It’s her decision she choose to marry into a Telugu household’….And my mother-in-law will atleast understand my desire for ‘moksha’ and she may support my spiritual path and if she has any questions, well Guru Amritananda can clear those doubts…Guruji can atleast say, ‘According to our Telugu sampradaya etc etc etc...’ and maybe my mother-in-law may understand..…I will have to ask Guruji when I go to India this October…I have to ask him if he can be my Guru even though I don’t yet see any ‘spiritual chemistry’ between us like how Paramahamsa Yogananda felt when he met his Guru Sri Yukteswar”…………..As foolish as it may sound, that was my reason….. So, I emailed back Arjunaacharya asking him to forgive my ignorance for turning down Srividya initiation..…

In his reply to me, Arjunaacharya was gracious enough to not mention anything about my ignorance about Srividya initiation and he also recommended the "Sharabeswar homa", "Mahalakshmi Kamalatmia puja" and a "Mahalakshmi yantra" for my husband....I thought " My husband wearing the Mahalakshmi yantra is ruled out as I can't even get him to wear his rudhrakshas, how is he going to wear this yantra??

Now, what were the other poojas that were recommended??….. "Mahalakshmi Kamalatmia pooja" sounded familiar as I knew who Mahalakshmi was....Kola mukhi Varahi puja…..What was that?? I  had no clue. So, I googled about it and landed on this website ….And while reading further on the same site, I quote
“THE INFLUENCE of the boar-headed Goddess Varahi on the minds of the people may be gauged from the presence of this deity as a part of the group of seven Mothers “ the Saptamatas”  in South India.



   




Seven mothers?? !!!.....Can the ‘seven mothers’ also represent the 7 mukhi rudhraksha bead that I’m wearing???

“She is also an amsa of Sri Meenakshi of Madurai”
   







Did I not visit Sri Meenakshi temple of Madurai during my childhood days??


Now, "Sharabeswar homa"....What was that??....I 'googled' it and landed on this website and I thought " Ah!..It's my Agastiar's website that has this information".....But I wasn't sure how to decide which all poojas to choose....I felt like also sending in a donation to renovate the Meppad temple and I thought I'll do that instead of being 'totally selfish' and asking for all the poojas....

I was very interested in having the pujas done but my husband does not believe in online homas/pujas….When I told him about it, he said we will look into it when we visit India in a few months in October….He said “Do you not want to be present when these pujas are done so that you can directly participate & benefit from them?”…..Good point…But then, why am I so desperate in having them done as soon as possible…I tried reasoning with him that even though we are miles away, SHE will still send us HER blessings and it was ok but he wasn’t 100% convinced…He said “We will have it done in October, when we are in India”…And I wasn’t so sure that I could wait until then……

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu.