My conversations with HER - Part 17 – Written on 24th November 2011:
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu
Happenings in October 2011:
That incident on the flight, I forgot all about it as soon as we reached Chennai....There were lots of things to look forward to & I was busy with arranging all the necessary things for my mother's 60th birthday the next day.....As the puja's started, when the vedic priests chanted the mantras, I was able to recognize a few of them.....I was able to recognize the prana pratishtapana mantra, recognize the mudras {though I didn't remember their exact names} & a few other things.....And I wondered how long it must have taken the priests to memorize all of them.....I thought "The next time I have some homas done, I must remember to properly give dakshina.......How long it must have taken the priests to memorize all of those mantras.....I know because it takes me such a long time to memorize them all."
After the homas & pujas were finished, we had to leave the same afternoon to Kakinada,AP as my brother-in-law's upanayanam was the next day.....As we were boarding the Chennai – Visakhapatnam {Vizag} flight, I did my MahaGanapathy tharpanam on-flight and ended it with "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" and as I gazed out the window, I saw the full moon and I realized that it was Pournami that day.......As we were getting-off the flight at Vizag, as my feet touched the ground, I thought of Guruji and said "Here I am Guruji, in Vizag, closer to you, on a Pournami day.....A few more days until I personally meet you"......
I'm not sure if one has paid attention to it, but as you get off the aeroplane & enter into the Vizag airport terminal, there is a big board which says "State Bank of India - Welcome to Vizag - The City of Destiny"
And I thought "The City of Destiny?...Why would they call Vizag that??.....They must know that Guruji lives in Vizag."
It was almost midnight when we reached Kakinada and as soon as I got off the bus, it started drizzling
SHE: The forefather's on your husband's side of the family, are welcoming you.
The next day as the upanayanam ceremony was about to begin, as soon as I reached the venue, it started raining-like-crazy.....It was such a downpour that we had to move the ceremony in-doors...
SHE: This is your in-law's forefathers thanking you for liberating them.
The next few days were busy with all the wedding preparations and I made sure that I was able to spare 20 minutes-a-day to mentally do my MahaGanapathy tharpanam....During the wedding preparations, it was hard to remember all the things that were entrusted to me....I didn't have a paper/pen with me to write it all down, so I said "BRAHMAN, YOU are the only ONE I know with a perfect memory, the ONE who is awake & aware 24 hours a day.....So it's upto YOU to remember all this & remind me.".....To make a long-story short, BRAHMAN reminded me of what items to pack, to get a few items from the tailor, to set aside things to be given-away to guests & a whole lot of other things that I've forgotten now.
The wedding went on very well and as soon as it was over, I told my husband that I'll visit Anakapally that day...He said "You've been awake since 2am today...It won't be practically possible to travel that far....You can go another day".....So I had to wait another day....I told HER "It's YOUR problem how YOU do it but I want to personally meet Guruji before I leave Kakinada"
{As I type this, I wonder, why did I ask HER to do that when I've repeatedly told HER that I have nothing to ask HER??......Simple answer - I forgot that I told HER, that I won't ask HER for anything}
17th October 2011 - The end of the wait of an eternity
I had told my husband the previous day that I will visit Devipuram the next day....I had said "This is the only day when I'm free during the mornings & I want to go to Devipuram"....There was an emergency in the family and one of the family members had to be admitted to the hospital & my husband had to be present there....I was perfectly fine going to Devipuram by myself....So, the next morning, my son & I were ready by 5.30am.....My husband said 'Why do you want to go so badly?...Can't it wait another day?....You can go some other day. I have to take "X" person to the hospital today "......I was upset and told HER "I've told YOU it's YOUR problem how YOU do it.....Do something, anything, but make it happen. I want to go today."
At around 7.30am as I was feeding breakfast to Pranav, my father-in-law walked in & said
My father-in-law: Are you not ready yet? The taxi is waiting downstairs...Didn't you want to go to Anakapally today??....
Me: But {my husband} said that I can go some other day
My father-in-law: Really? He asked me to find a good taxi driver
Me: {Asking my husband} Did you do that?
My husband: Oh yes, I was just testing you to see if you really wanted to go to Anakapally today. We can still cancel the taxi if you don't want to go..
Me: {Thinking} Two people with a bad-sense-of-humor......SHE & my husband.....Don't they know how important this is for me?
So, I wrapped-up whatever I was doing & hurried to get ready...I forgot to take fruits, flowers etc with me and just hurried so that I would be in Devipuram by noon....The volunteer that I had spoken with, had told me that Guruji would be in Devipuram until noon that day....The taxi driver didn't know the exact route & we had to stop & ask for directions....My only thought "Reach Devipuram before noon....Meet Guruji today"....And by the way, I mentally did the MahaGanapathy tharpanam on the way to Devipuram and told Ganapathy "Please, I've come this far...Please let me meet Guruji today."
It was about 11.35am when Pranav & I reached Devipuram....I had asked the guy at the entrance shop if Guruji was still there and he said "Yes"....As I was hurrying to meet Guruji, I realized that I didn't bring him anything.....I came empty-handed.....All that wait to meet my Guru and I didn't bring him anything......
Guru Dakshina:
Sometime during Navarathri, I had
thought about what to give Guruji as Guru Dakshina...While the usual - fruits,
flowers, money, cloths etc seemed appropriate, it still seemed "too
petty"....What do you give someone who helps you liberate your soul??....What
do you give HIM who = HER ??...What can I give
Guruji that would be unique, for which I don't need anyone's permission?? As I sat
thinking, my thoughts were:
Me: Matha, Pitha, Guru,
Deivam
Me: They say the Mother is the one who comes
first - Matha, Pitha, Guru, Deivam.......The only thing that I'm still holding on-to is my son
Pranav....I have already given-up my husband when I chose
HER in June 2011 & doesn't a girl giveup her parents when she gets married
& goes to her husband's place?
I then remembered reading on that blog & watching a YouTube
video of Guruji's talk at Pali Hill Shakti
Yoga center in Mumbai on January 2011....While mentioning about
his family, Guruji had said that he had 2 daughters and a son who, had died 10 days after he was
born....So, I said
Me: Lalithamba, the only
thing that I can think of giving Guruji who is
YOU, is my-share-of-the-right as a mother.....My share of the 50% right that I have
over my son Pranav....I can't tell YOU
that I give YOU Pranav 100% because the
remaining 50% of the right is with my husband and it's upto YOU to make my
husband also giveup his rights...Matha, Pitha, Guru, Deivam
right??.....I give YOU
my-share-of-the-right.....From now on, Pranav is YOUR son and YOU are his
Mother...As such, YOU are the Mother of all...In that case, why am I holding on to the belief that
"This is my son" when clearly everything happens according to YOUR
will??...Didn't I read on that website that Arjunaacharya was 2 years old
when he was blessed by his grandfather and he started YOUR
upasana??...Well Lalithamba, Pranav is 3 years old....He is old enough to be
doing YOUR upasana...If
Arjunaacharya can do it when he was 2 years old, why not Pranav??
SHE: Why not give yourself
as Guru Dakshina, why Pranav?
Me: Simple answer
Lalithamba, because I don't have the right to do
that....What will I do if Guruji says "Come & do
seva in Devipuram for a week" ??........ Will I be
able to do that??....No, right?? I will have to ask my husband & need
his approval before I do so....I don't want to be like Nachiketa's
father (in the Kathopanishad).....Giving useless gifts
to people...Pranav is still young and can be moulded to be however YOU want him
to be.
Silence
Me: Yes, that would be the appropriate Guru
Dakshina....I must tell that to Guruji.
{As I type this: When I had
already mentally renounced my husband, why did I think I need
his permission to go & do seva in Devipuram, if Guruji were to ask me to do
something like that?? ......Simple answer --- At that time, this question
didn't come...}
And when I met you Guruji, I forgot
to tell you that....I remembered it only when leaving
Devipuram...Sorry Guruji.
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu