My conversations with HER - Part 15 – Written on 22nd November 2011:
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu
The month of September was almost coming to an end and the Navarathri festival was about to begin.....I thought "Last Navarathri was when the whole 'researching about Srichakra' started when I didn't know what the Srichakra Navavarana puja was.....What a journey it has been in the past 1 year !!".......I had an urge to participate in the pujas this year too.....
SHE: Ashuddha bhakti
Me: Right!....I forgot about it....Thanks for the reminder Lalithamba...
And I wondered how Sri Bhaskararaya makhi looked, because he had so apparently "sat on my shoulders" to remind me of my ashuddha bhakti....I remembered seeing a picture of him on aacharya's Facebook page but was not able to find it......So, I googled his image and the only 'image' that cameup was a picture of aacharya
SHE: Now you know who your aacharya is...
I was also reminded of a conversation that I had with aacharya a while ago and though I don't exactly remember what my question was, I think it was something like "How does one know when one is THERE, ONE with IT?"......I remember exactly what aacharya's response was "The question does not arise".
Navarathri was about to begin and the urge to participate in the pujas was still there and only getting stronger.....I wondered "Lalithamba, I don't want ANYTHING from YOU, but just a chance to participate in YOUR pujas...I don't have ANYTHING to ask of YOU".....How was I to know what to do?.....So, I thought I'll check with my husband & let him make the decision
My husband: Didn't you already have some pujas done a few months ago?? Why another one?
Me: Didn't you already receive a paycheck last month?? Why do you need another paycheck this month??
My husband: This is just going to lead to another argument.
Me: No. It won't...If you say no, there'll be no pujas and this 'item' will go on to "your list" of "how things happened the way you wanted it".
My husband: {After a while}...Fine, you do what you want within a budget of "X" rupees and add this "item" to "your list" of "how things happened the way you wanted it" !!!
Navarathri was to begin in 2 days & my family signedup to sponsor the Srichakra Navavarana puja for 3 days ---- one day each for Durga devi, Sri Lakshmi & Saraswati at the Hindu temple of St. Louis ....The next day as I was browsing the Devipuram website, I noticed that there were homas offered during Navarathri and anyone could sponsor it....I called them right away and requested for the Lalitha homam, Vag Devata homam & Dasa Maha Vidya homam.....Why did I choose those homas??....Because I felt-like-it.
During Navarathri, I did the only thing that I had time for - chant the Khadgamala stotra in the morning and at the end of it say "I'm chanting this just to make YOU happy Lalithamba..I don't have anything to ask of YOU....And I don't want YOUR sword....Here, take it back".....I had also finished drawing another Srichakra and it came out very well.....I thought about a few people to send this to and scanned it & emailed it to them....I also felt-like-sending the Srichakra to Mr. Vidyaakar at Udavum Karangal - a non-profit center for humane services....English meaning of "Udavum Karangal" = Helping hands......I've been associated with Mr Vidyaakar for the last 10 years and felt that SHE, who is the "Mother of all" could very well go to Udavum Karangal this Navarathri & be the MOTHER of all the people there....We do visit their center at Thiruverkadu, Chennai wheneever we visit India and it's the most beautiful place to be.....So, I also emailed it to Mr Vidyaakar along with a brief decription of "what-a-Srichakra-is" and requested that he share it with all members and all offices of Udavum Karangal.
A few nights, during Navarathri, I was suddenly wide-awake at around 1am...
Me: BRAHMAN, why did YOU wake me?....I told YOU to wake me up at 3.30am {Yes, I tell BRAHMAN that, so that incase I don't hear my morning alarm, atleast BRAHMAN will wake me up}......I'm not YOU BRAHMAN.....I can't function with just 4 hours of sleep...I don't understand how YOU can be awake all the time......Why did YOU wake me now?
An inner voice: They are doing the homam at Devipuram
And it happened on 3 days during Navarathri, when those 3 homas were scheduled-to-be-done at Devipuram.
One Navarathri evening, as I was preparing the evening dinner, my thoughts were oscillating between Lalithamba & Adi Shankaracharya....
Me: O Lalithamba, isn't it because YOU were with Sankaracharya that he was able to answer & defeat all those people in spiritual debates. Isn't it because YOU verily sat on Sri Bhaskararachrya's shoulder, that he is recognised even today as a great Srividya Upasaka....Isn't it because of YOUR grace that an uneducated what-seemed-like-a-foolish person like Kalidasa became Maha kavi Kaalidasa.....Why do YOU not do the same to me too? Why are YOU not with me? YOU are being partial...It's not fair...
Pat came HER response: Adi Shankaracharya never questioned MY WILL....He never hesitated when I asked him to do something...How many times have I instinctly told you to write down your experiences..Have you done it yet?
What do I do, when SHE so clearly has me cornered...I had no answer except being silent {for a while at least}..
Me: Lalithamba, I'm scared...I don't have the spiritual knowledge to backup my writings. What do I do if people question me? I don't know Sanskrit & can't even seem to correctly remember where I read what...
SHE: Didn't you just say that Kalidasa was a foolish person before MY grace?
Me: Silence...I still scared amma....
Me: O Lalithamba, isn't it because YOU were with Sankaracharya that he was able to answer & defeat all those people in spiritual debates. Isn't it because YOU verily sat on Sri Bhaskararachrya's shoulder, that he is recognised even today as a great Srividya Upasaka....Isn't it because of YOUR grace that an uneducated what-seemed-like-a-foolish person like Kalidasa became Maha kavi Kaalidasa.....Why do YOU not do the same to me too? Why are YOU not with me? YOU are being partial...It's not fair...
Pat came HER response: Adi Shankaracharya never questioned MY WILL....He never hesitated when I asked him to do something...How many times have I instinctly told you to write down your experiences..Have you done it yet?
What do I do, when SHE so clearly has me cornered...I had no answer except being silent {for a while at least}..
Me: Lalithamba, I'm scared...I don't have the spiritual knowledge to backup my writings. What do I do if people question me? I don't know Sanskrit & can't even seem to correctly remember where I read what...
SHE: Didn't you just say that Kalidasa was a foolish person before MY grace?
Me: Silence...I still scared amma....
SHE: During the Deva tharpanam & Rishi tharpanam, didn't you say "How can there be darkness when there is a million watt bulb with me?
Me: {Thinking} I did say that, didn't I?
SHE: What's the point of you listening non-stop to Bhavani Ashtakam if you haven't yet learnt to surrender?
Me: Will YOU be with me always like the way YOU were with Adi Shankaracharya?
Silence
Me: You just told me the answer, didn't YOU?....That Adi Shankaracharya never questioned YOUR WILL....Ok...I'll do as YOU say, but before I do that, can I test YOU? I agree that this is me still questioning YOU, but I want to be sure that it's really YOU & not just my thoughts wandering.....Remember last month, I read on that blog about Bala {Bala Tripura Sundari}.....That lady had written that Bala came in her dream & she had tried to lift HER but it was impossible because SHE was so heavy!!.... Well, if Bala - the daughter is heavy, how come YOU O Lalithamba were able to sit on Bhaskararachrya's shoulder? I'm unable to understand this.
SHE: The answer lies in Khadgamala Stotram....Remember the different Siddhis? Anima siddhi, Lagima Siddhi, Garima Siddhi etc.....Bala, in that lady's dream was exhibiting Garima Siddhi - Siddhi of being heavy and ME while sitting on Bhaskararachrya's shoulder was exhibiting Lagima Siddhi - Siddhi of being lighter than air
Me:
SHE: What's the point of you listening non-stop to Bhavani Ashtakam if you haven't yet learnt to surrender?
Me: Will YOU be with me always like the way YOU were with Adi Shankaracharya?
Silence
Me: You just told me the answer, didn't YOU?....That Adi Shankaracharya never questioned YOUR WILL....Ok...I'll do as YOU say, but before I do that, can I test YOU? I agree that this is me still questioning YOU, but I want to be sure that it's really YOU & not just my thoughts wandering.....Remember last month, I read on that blog about Bala {Bala Tripura Sundari}.....That lady had written that Bala came in her dream & she had tried to lift HER but it was impossible because SHE was so heavy!!.... Well, if Bala - the daughter is heavy, how come YOU O Lalithamba were able to sit on Bhaskararachrya's shoulder? I'm unable to understand this.
SHE: The answer lies in Khadgamala Stotram....Remember the different Siddhis? Anima siddhi, Lagima Siddhi, Garima Siddhi etc.....Bala, in that lady's dream was exhibiting Garima Siddhi - Siddhi of being heavy and ME while sitting on Bhaskararachrya's shoulder was exhibiting Lagima Siddhi - Siddhi of being lighter than air
Me:
Ofcourse, such a simple answer...One more question....I had read that once you have a Guru, before one embarks on something new, one has to consult with his/her Guru...Doesn't that mean that I need my Guruji's permission & blessing before I start writing down my experiences? Can I start writing after I meet him in India in the next few weeks?
SHE: What did Guruji tell you during your online classes? What did he tell you during the very 1st class??
Me: That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't....He had also asked us not to compare with others...He had said "You dont have to worry why I asked person 'X" to do "A,B,C" and "Y" to do "D,E,F"...What's right for "X" need not be so for "Y"
SHE: Ditto
Me: {Still not entirely convinced that I should start writing before I personally checked with Guruji}
SHE: What did you think when Guruji said "That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't"?
Me: I had thought, "The only person who has always been with me, lifetime-after-lifetime is my atma- a form of BRAHMAN....If Guruji says he's always been with me, it means that he's refering to my atman = BRAHMAN"
SHE: What was his response when someone questioned him about praying to Guru Padukaas on top of one's head?
Me: Guruji had said " Whose's head?...Your head??...His head??...Her head?....My head??" and also something about not to take it to literally mean on top of one's head..I can't recall his exact words.
SHE: What did Guruji say about what his thoughts were when Siddha Guru Swaprakashananda gave him all the mantras?? And what was Siddha Guru's answer to Guruji's question?
Me: That his first question to his Siddha Guru was "How will it work when you are in Anakapallae and I'm going to be in Bombay? To which Siddha Guru Swaprakashananda asked him "Don't you think the mantras have the power to guide you?"
Silence
Me:
SHE: What did Guruji tell you during your online classes? What did he tell you during the very 1st class??
Me: That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't....He had also asked us not to compare with others...He had said "You dont have to worry why I asked person 'X" to do "A,B,C" and "Y" to do "D,E,F"...What's right for "X" need not be so for "Y"
SHE: Ditto
Me: {Still not entirely convinced that I should start writing before I personally checked with Guruji}
SHE: What did you think when Guruji said "That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't"?
Me: I had thought, "The only person who has always been with me, lifetime-after-lifetime is my atma- a form of BRAHMAN....If Guruji says he's always been with me, it means that he's refering to my atman = BRAHMAN"
SHE: What was his response when someone questioned him about praying to Guru Padukaas on top of one's head?
Me: Guruji had said " Whose's head?...Your head??...His head??...Her head?....My head??" and also something about not to take it to literally mean on top of one's head..I can't recall his exact words.
SHE: What did Guruji say about what his thoughts were when Siddha Guru Swaprakashananda gave him all the mantras?? And what was Siddha Guru's answer to Guruji's question?
Me: That his first question to his Siddha Guru was "How will it work when you are in Anakapallae and I'm going to be in Bombay? To which Siddha Guru Swaprakashananda asked him "Don't you think the mantras have the power to guide you?"
Silence
Me:
"Don't you think the mantras have the power to guide you?" Are YOU guiding me like the way YOU guided Guruji??
Silence
Me: So, If Guruji = BRAHMAN who has always been with me; if YOU in the form of the mantras are guiding me, then it is ok for me to start writing?... Now, what was Guruji's answer to the "Guru Padukaas on top of one's head" question?....Didn't he say something about how the Guru is always with us, within us, guiding us?
Ok...I'm going to start writing and tomorrow being Vijayadasami, makes it all the more special.
Guruji, I send this email to you on Vijayadasami, as a token of gratitude for your teachings....All this is, because of YOUR grace & guidance...
Silence
Me: So, If Guruji = BRAHMAN who has always been with me; if YOU in the form of the mantras are guiding me, then it is ok for me to start writing?... Now, what was Guruji's answer to the "Guru Padukaas on top of one's head" question?....Didn't he say something about how the Guru is always with us, within us, guiding us?
Ok...I'm going to start writing and tomorrow being Vijayadasami, makes it all the more special.
Guruji, I send this email to you on Vijayadasami, as a token of gratitude for your teachings....All this is, because of YOUR grace & guidance...
And so started the writings......All this is, because of my Guruji's grace & guidance....
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu